How To Be A Socialite

Style Careers has been kind enough to provide a career profile the profession of a socialite. The website says that being a socialite has many misconceptions and is a status one is earned not born with. Paris has done a very naughty job representing what a genuine socialite is and Style Careers wants to set the record straight.

“Sure a socialite can party a lot if that is what they want to do, but this is in no way the proper definition for one. A socialite uses such functions as parties as a means to see and be seen among the upper crust of society.” - Style Careers

They further embarrass themselves by listing actors and actresses as “socialites”. StyleCareer.com editor-in-chief has made up the socialite descriptions “caring socialites” or “social socialites;” as one who uses their ‘fame, fortune and status to spread messages through the population to help others in need. ‘

The summary of what a career in Society as a socialite never does into explicit details of how to be come a socialite but for just $38.95 you can learn everything you need in “Breaking Into and Surviving as a Socialite” ebook.

When did being a socialite become a career and what exactly do they do, what are their skills? Where do they go to school to earn a degree in Socialiting?

According to Wikipedia, A socialite is a person (male or female, but more often used for a woman) of social prominence who spends significant resources entertaining and being entertained but is not (at least in the early 20th century heyday of socialites) a professional entertainer.

Sorry Kate.

But to Paris – ARE YOU FUCKING LISTENING YOU TALENTLESS WHORE? Go to college!

For arguments sake what if there was a University Of Socialite Studies? I image it would be similar to psychology with a minor in subjects such as drama, marketing and fashion.

Socialite Studies Curriculum

Socialite Studies is defined as “the science of behavior, emotional and mental processes, and the application of self-whoring in fashionable and social prominent society where one is deemed an influential social figure for either positive or negative influence on American youths. “

This definition encompasses an enormous number of specialty areas, and Socialite Studies are the most diverse group of people in our society. The core goals of the Socialite Studies Department are:

Requirements

• THINKING SKILLS: To become habitually inquisitive of the latest fashion trends and honestly promoting personal biases towards all trends that do not enhance one’s appearance. To actively evaluate current events without any prior knowledge of the subject.

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• SELF-EXPRESSION: To become competent and confident in the oral and written skills needed to speak and write with sophistication about social prominent issues and the latest fashion trends.

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• THE METHODOLOGY OF SOCIALITE STUDIES: To acquire the ability to use only the social non-scientific methods to generate and answer significant questions of life and society in an unethical manner, to demonstrate ninth grade literacy, and to become increasingly dependent on drugs and alcohol posing questions of a ridiculous matters while aggressively pursuing answers from law enforcement on why they insist on speaking to you or other socialites as pheasants of common nature.

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• SOCIALITES AND SOCIETY: To understand the nature of the complex relationship between socialites, fashion, upscale society and social policy; to think critically about how the results of socialite studies research are used and how they might be used in the future and for the benefit of oneself.

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• HISTORICAL PERSPECTIVE: To understand and be able to evaluate unsympathetically the diversity of the commoner’s behavior throughout socialite history from the beginning of time – 1920s and how it shapes socialite structure and regards to how it’s representation has changed the course of socialite living.

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Off-Campus Study

• How To Drink And Drive And Not Get Pulled Over
• How To Talk Or Fuck Your Way Out Of A DUI
• How To Act In A Court Of Law – Your Day In Court
• Where The Best Parties Are
• How To Get Into Bars When Your Not 21 Years Old Yet
• The Best Rehab Luxury Retreats
• Paparazzi Modeling
• How To Play Up To The Paparazzi
• Careers That Require No Skills And Not Much Work
• The Hottest Slang Words Of Today

Socialite studies major’s degrees require a minimum of three international travel projects with a minimum of one spa resort stay per project. Be aware that it is difficult to meet our socialite studies requirements. Because courses combine thinking combined with writing, socializing and not chewing gum, most candidates will fail. This means you should plan to take elementary thinking prior to socialite studies. Permission to spend the junior year abroad requires completion of socialite studies life experience prior to going off campus.

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Lets see just how funny I really am…don’t answer that.

If you like this blog and would like to see it continue, please consider making a donation. I genuinely appreciate all donations which will help give me a reason to live outside my sheep like existence.

 

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Milk! Must get milk! ‘Got Milk?’ Pours Humor into…

Milk! Must get milk!

‘Got Milk?’ Pours Humor into Advertising

California Milk Processors Board unveiled a new TV and Internet campaign crafted around a fantasy world of extreme milk deprivation.

“Get the Glass” campaign, (Goodby, Silverstein & Partners, San Francisco) introduces the Adachi family. A humorously desperate family trying to grab the heavily guarded last glass of milk on Earth.

In a series of seven TV spots as well as a 3D flash animation board game, the family is seen trying secure that last glass of milk assumes Holy Grail status.

The first spot, which aired March 19th, shows a cold glass in a fridge heavily guarded by security cameras and robots in a maximum-security facility. The Adachi family, plagued by brittle nails, cavities and PMS (thewy just had to add that one didn’t they?), are hiding out in an “undercover” van outside when they deploy their ten-year-old son to run away with the glass of milk… because the chances of success for a ten-year-old are much better than say a 40 year old women with PMS.

Want to be a Milk zombie? Take the challenge online where you too, must overcome health problems in the quest for the last glass of milk.

California Milk Processors Board said it spent $1.25 million for TV and Internet advertisments.

Product Development

Techie wipes out $38 billion fund

Everyone has heard the dumb computer user jokes. I’ve told several of them myself. But it’s time for one really good Techie screw up.

 

JUNEAU, Alaska -

Imagine wiping out a disk drive (computer hardware that holds information) containing a business account worth $38 billion. That’s what happened to a computer technician reformatting a disk drive at the Alaska Department of Revenue. Can you just imagine his/her face when the s/he realized the problem? I don’t think “oh shit” would cover it.

While the tech was doing routine maintenance work, the technician accidentally deleted information for an oil-funded account which just happened to be one of Alaska residents’ biggest perks …but it gets better. The Tech also mistakenly reformatted the backup drive, as well. Any good knowledgeable and prepared company IT Team wouldn’t worry too much because hey! “we still have the back up tapes that we did last month.”

No, the department discovered its third line of defense, backup tapes, were unreadable.

“Nobody panicked, said Permanent Fund Dividend Division Director Amy Skow.

I call Bullshit!

 

“ we instantly went into planning for the worst-case scenario,” said Amy Skow.

 

Over the next few days, as the department, the division and consultants from Microsoft Corp. and Dell Inc. labored to retrieve the data, it became obvious the worst-case scenario was at hand.

Nine months worth of information concerning the yearly payout from the Alaska Permanent Fund was gone: some 800,000 electronic images that had been painstakingly scanned into the system months earlier, the 2006 paper applications that people had either mailed in or filed over the counter, and supporting documentation such as birth certificates and proof of residence.

And the only backup was the paperwork itself — stored in more than 300 cardboard boxes.

The computer foul-up ended up costing the department more than $200,000.

 

Future Telecommuting Positions

 

 

 

Airline buddy dies, get bumped up to First Class …

Airline buddy dies, get bumped up to First Class

LONDON (Reuters)

British Airways crew members moved the body of the elderly woman from the economy section where she had died after take-off. The woman’s daughter was also upgraded and spent the rest of the nine-hour flight from Delhi to London grieving next to her dead mother.

A passenger in first class woke up to the shock of finding himself sitting near a corpse on the a British Airways flight.

“The corpse was strapped into the seat but because of turbulence it kept slipping down on to the floor,” Trinder, a businessman, was quoted as saying. “It was horrific. The body had to be wedged in place with lots of pillows.”

British Airways has apologized for any distress suffered, according to the reports. The Mirror quoted BA as saying: “We apologize, but our crew were working in difficult circumstances and chose the option they thought would cause least disruption.”

Ten commandments of cell phone etiquette

Today in this modern society, we live in and the proliferation of cell phones we see people talking anywhere and everywhere. However, for boring issues being bothered in the bathroom is very annoying and outright disgusting. Many individuals think nothing of using their cells phones in public places, such as the subway, restaurant, or even in hospital waiting rooms. While cell phones have made our lives easier, they have also made it possible to annoy others.

With the wide availability of ring tones for your phone, many people are often choosing those that are loud and unique. However, just because you like it, doesn’t mean anyone else will. Another important thing to consider when using your cell phone is to keep your conversations short and simple.

You will also want to remember that if you are in a public place, you do not want to talk about your personal business or say things that others should not hear or that you don’t want repeated. You never know who could be listening in when you talk on a cell phone in public.

One of the worst possible things you can do when text messaging is to be driving. Believe it or not, there are people who try to make sure they are pressing the right buttons and completely forget they should be looking at where they are going. This needs no explanation to say what could happen.

Good Reasons To Buy & Other Uses For Bluetooth Hea…

Good Reasons To Buy & Other Uses For Bluetooth Headsets

So finally broke down and bought a Bluetooth last night…. Dani Monster promised me that new Bluetooth technology prevented alien technology from burrowing into my brain. After the purchase she told me I could name it and talk to my Bluetooth. However, even my Bluetooth thinks I’m too much a nerd and refuses to be seen with me, it hides behind my hair.

I haven’t worn the thing since it rejected me socially, but I plan on wearing it anyways. I came up with some better reasons to wear the Bluetooth since it doesn’t make me look cool.

10)

Bluetooth headsets make great accessories for Cyber Punk Costumes.

9)

Bluetooth devices can communicate with nearby devices. See a hottie with a Bluetooth? Search and converse – what’s sexier than being beamed?

The Bluetooth is one of the first steps towards assimilation into a Borg like collective and the perfect way to meet your soul mechanical mate.

7)

Unlike your significant other, the battery life for a Bluetooth stays charged and ready go for hours on end. You can cyber away with as many people as it takes. Now the toy companies need to catch up with Bluetooth technology and vibrating connectivity.

6)

Great way to end a date. Pretend your getting a call, step away for privacy (to build the illusion) and than say when you return there was an emergency, you gotta go.

5)

If you’re a want to be the next Perez Hilton, you can talk excessively loud about how you photographed Paris Hilton frenching Lindsay Lohan and you have all the pictures uploaded at www attention whore . com

4)

Pretend your crazy (unless you really are) and talk to the mother ship or the Borg Queen. But be careful with the Star Trek reference. You may find a nerd following you around like an android puppy.

3)

With the Bluetooth earpiece in place, this gives you the possibility of talking to someone on your cell phone, while putting on lipstick and steering the car through traffic all at the same time. OMG

2)

Guys: Cyrano de Bergerac – Are you horribly inept when talking to women? Wear a Bluetooth and serenade milady with words spoken from someone a bit more articulate than you.

1)

If some guy (or female) is hitting on you and you’re not interested, you can put your hand to your ear and say sorry, I’m on a call. Than stroll away as if you forgot they were there.

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Unusual New Technology

Career Opportunities

Learning Politics Son: Dad, I have to a special …

Learning Politics

Son: Dad, I have to a special report for school, can I ask you a question?

Dad: Sure son, what is the question?

Son: What is pol a tics?

Dad: Well, let’s take our home for example…I am a wage earner, so let’s call me the Management. You’re mother is the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We take care of your needs, so let’s call you the People. We’ll call the maid the Working Class. Your baby brother we’ll call the Future. Do you understand?

Son: I’m not really sure Dad, I’ll have to think about it.

That night the son is awakened by his baby brother’s crying, so he went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the son went to his parent’s room and found his mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid’s room, where peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy’s knocking went totally unheard by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The Next Morning:

Son: Dad, I think I understand Politics.

Dad: That’s great, explain it to me in your own words.

Son: Well, Dad, while the Management is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, The people are being completely ignored, and the Future is full of shit.

Finally Something Useful To Do With Dubya Bush Speeches

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Making coffee out of shells MEKELE, Ethiopia …

Making coffee out of shells

MEKELE, Ethiopia

A 54-year-old inventor and repairman supplies the city of Mekele, and surrounding areas, with coffee machines. But it is his choice of materials that makes Azemeraw’s trade truly unique.

“The farmers bring me mortar shells from the old battlefield,” he says, gesturing north where Ethiopia borders Eritrea and the two nations fought a 1998-2000 war.

“The empty tubes are perfect for the coffee machines. Look, the bronze does not rust. And the shape is ideal.”

Using the burnt-out mortar shells as the inner barrel of his coffee makers, Azemeraw and his half dozen workers need about a week to make a machine capable of creating beautifully tasting caffeinated goodness.

Locals collect the mostly Russian-made shells from the barren border zone where a mass of weapons remain from a conflict that killed 70,000 people in a territorial spat between the two Horn of African neighbors.

Given the similarities in ethnicity and culture — including a shared love of fine coffee — it is hard for outsiders to understand the hostility between Ethiopia and Eritrea, which has continued beyond the war.

Before the war, the father-of-six lived in the Eritrean capital Asmara, repairing coffee machines and fridges. But when conflict broke out between Ethiopia and its former province, he and other Ethiopians in Eritrea rushed back home.

It is puzzling for some locals too.

“Before, we lived hand-in-glove together. We are the same people. We worked together, we ate together,” says his son Mehany, 22,. “One day, we will again live in peace.”

“We take these objects of war and turn them into objects of pleasure,” says his son Mehany, 22, who works proudly beside his father. “Maybe, this is a message for the world.”

Free Starbucks TODAY!

C:\COFFEE.POT empty (A)bort (C)reate (F)all asleep? Caffeine Isn’t A Drug, It’s A Supplement

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Help Desk For Cars & DriversAutomotive / Mechanica…

Help Desk For Cars & Drivers

Automotive / Mechanical Careers

What if people knew no more about cars than they did they’re computers?

I used to take the bus and hated almost every single bus ride as I had to sit next to the religious fanatics and creepy guys hitting on me. If I was lucky I had to endure and offer a nod to the crazy broad ranting about our city government and how they are cloning us for pod experiments.

At best though, I had some funny stories to retell, such as the young single mother with three small children and wearing a “Who’s your daddy” t-shirt…I can’t help it… I just gotta say it again.

‘If you don’t know how the Hell are we suppose to know?”

Now that I’m a daily driver, I see how much easier taking the bus to and from work was. I’m selfish; I refuse to commute and stick to that promise by living relatively close to my employer. However, the drive still takes me directly through a traffic labyrinth.

Each morning, as I near the only turn in my route, drivers who have driven the same route countless times turn into pigheaded assholes. Sometimes, I will allow the jerks to pull in ahead of me into my lane. Other days, I don’t feel like being nice to someone who knows there are ten other cars behind me who have paeicently waited to make the same turn this pigheaded asshole wants without waiting in line.

For this particular turning lane you have to line up several blocks ahead of time, and once 7:30 am rolls around it’s a pain in the ass. Yet people will cruise along in the lane beside it until they almost reach the actual turn and suddenly they start waving at the driver next to them pleading to “please let me in so I can turn” because “gee I forgot that’s the turn I needed lane.”

I’m calling your bullshit. I tend to be more aggressive behind the wheel and I see your car almost every single day when you pull this same scam every single time. See if the car behind me is a newbie.

That said, have you ever wondered why General Motors doesn’t have a “Help Desk phone line”? It’s because people are more fanatic about they’re cars than they’re computers – but imagine if they were not car fanatics…

(the following was found online) -Automotive / Mechanical Careers

Helpline:

“General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”

Customer:

“I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!”

Helpline:

“Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?”

Customer:

“What’s an ignition?”

Helpline:

“It’s a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.”

Customer:

“Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?”

Resistance Is Futile

Next Call

Helpline:

“General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”

Customer:

“My car ran fine for a week, and now it won’t go anywhere!”

Helpline:

“Is the gas tank empty?”

Customer:

“How do I know?”

Helpline:

“There’s a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from ‘E’ to ‘F’. Where is the needle pointing?”

Customer:

“I see an ‘E’ but no ‘F’.”

Helpline:

“You see the ‘E’ and just to the right is the ‘F’.”

Customer:

“No, just to the right of the first ‘E’ is a ‘V’.”

Helpline:

“A ‘V’?”

Customer:

“Yeah, there’s a ‘C’, an ‘H’, the first ‘E’, then a ‘V’, followed by ‘R’, ‘O’, ‘L’ …”

Helpline:

“No, no, no sir! That’s the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that’s the panel I’m talking about.”

Customer:

“That steering wheel thingy — Is that the round thing that honks the horn?”

Helpline:

“Yes, among other things.”

Customer:

“The needle’s pointing to ‘E’. What does that mean?”

Helpline:

“It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you.”

Customer:

“What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!”

Next Call

Helpline:

“General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”

Customer:

“Your cars suck!”

Helpline:

“What’s wrong?”

Customer:

“It crashed, that’s what went wrong!”

Helpline:

“What were you doing?”

Customer:

“I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed — and now it won’t even start up!”

Helpline:

“I’m sorry, sir, but it’s your responsibility if you misuse the product.”

Customer:

“Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to make the car go put the transmission in ‘D’ and press the accelerator pedal. That’s exactly what I did — now the damn thing’s crashed.”

Helpline:

“Did you read the entire operator’s manual before operating the car sir?”

Customer:

“What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn’t work!”

Helpline:

“Didn’t you attempt to slow down so you wouldn’t crash?”

Customer:

“How do you do THAT?”

Helpline:

“You said you read the entire manual, sir. It’s on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator.”

Customer:

“Well, I don’t have all day to sit around and read this manual you know.”

Helpline:

“Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?”

Customer:

“I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won’t crash anymore!”

Helpline:

{click}

Next Call

Helpline:

“General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”

Customer:

“Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.”

Helpline:

“Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?”

Customer:

“How do I work it?”

Helpline:

“Do you know how to drive?”

Customer:

“Do I know how to what?”

Helpline:

“Do you know how to DRIVE?”

Customer:

“I’m not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!”

Feel Free to add to this

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